"Like faith and hope, trust cannot be self-generated. I cannot simply will myself to trust. What outrageous irony: the one thing I am responsible for throughout my life I cannot generate. The one thing I need to do I cannot do. But such is the meaning of radical dependence. What does lie within my power is paying attention to the faithfulness of Jesus. That's what I am asked to do: pay attention to Jesus throughout my journey, remembering his kindness. (Ps 103:2)." - Ruthless Trust
Change: to become different, undergo alteration. To undergo transformation or transition. To go from one phase to another, as the seasons.
Yep, that about sums up our life the past 3 months. (A brief recap for those who care to know more:)
Early-May: We finally have a move date, after 1.5 years of visiting our soon to be home Charleston and house hunting without success. This was a very big deal.
Mid-May: Still no house in sight, and at this point it felt like we had seen them all. We decided to take the 3 month temporary housing deal Lee's work offered. We thought it might be easier to find a house actually living in the city.
Late-May: We find out we're expecting our first little baby and it's the best, most surreal moment we've ever experienced. We're thrilled but also extremely overwhelmed with literally every single area of our life changing. We also find out our move date has been moved up an entire week. Yikes!
Early-June: Lee travels to Asia for 2 weeks on work, and I fly to WA to see my family while he's gone.
Mid-June: I arrive back from WA with 10 days left until our move date. Lee follows 4 days later, giving us 1 week left in our beloved little 3rd Avenue apartment.
Late-June: We sorted through our stuff and put everything we would need the next 3 months in our dining room, and left the rest to the packers. I have never been so thankful for anything as I was for those movers/packers. They were lifesavers for this exhausted and overwhelmed expecting mama.
June 26th: We arrive at our new 'temporary home'. All our belongings were dropped off in a storage facility and we arrived with just our summer clothes, my 10 beloved house plants, and our pantry. It's nice, simple, this new place we call home. We've never seen it before this moment. It probably didn't help that we arrived at 12:30am. . . or maybe that was a good thing, for it looked nothing like the photos we saw of beautiful hardwood floors, 12 ft vaulted ceilings, 2 beautifully furnished bedrooms. The next 10 days are sort of a blur. Me, unpacking, exhausted, emotional. . . with headaches. These awful hormonal headaches had started and wouldn't stop. All day, all night, wake up with one, go to bed with one. I think by day 4 all I could do was lay on the couch while this vice grip squeezed the back of my head. My sweet husband rubbed my shoulders/neck every night during that stretch, and I will love him for it forever. Lee was adjusting to his new office and had a couple super busy work weeks right off the bat. Even Wally was exhausted, emotionally spent. If he wasn't hiding out from all the moving boxes I was unpacking, he was sleeping. He still thinks those boxes are monsters out to get him.
Change is a funny thing. When life is familiar, when you are comfortable, change sounds wonderful. Exciting. You welcome it, even hurry it. And then suddenly it's upon you. Newness. Transition. Everything different, uncomfortable, uncontrollable. And suddenly, it doesn't seem so wonderful. You feel more like going back to how things were a few weeks ago. You desperately try to find any bit of comfort that you can, any bit of home. This is especially hard to do when all our your 'home' and belongings are boxed away in storage.
I think it was at this point that I realized how terrible I was at trusting. I used to think I was good at trusting, and maybe I was at a point. Life is comfortable. You feel in control. And you THINK you're trusting. But it isn't until everything you know is gone that you really find out where your trust lies. It's usually in myself. I'm a planner. I like to be in charge. Have a plan. Map out EVERY single detail. It's actually quite annoying (just ask my husband). But I've learned a whole lot these past 5 weeks.
Here's what I've discovered:
1.) I hate not being in control. Like really hate it.
2.) I'm an emotional roller coaster when I don't have a 10 month plan for my life mapped out and in writing.
3.) Pregnancy is overwhelming, and makes you crazy. At least it feels like that some days. Ok, most days.
4.) I cannot do this trusting thing on my own. I told my husband this the other night: I have never been more overwhelmed in every area of my life than I am right now. And I have never needed Jesus more, everyday, every moment, than I do right now. It's a painfully wonderful thing.
5.) God loves when we need him, when we're fully dependent. When we don't have a plan, and a back up plan for when that plan falls through. He loves being our plan. Even if we don't get to know all the details. It's ok. It doesn't mean His plan isn't good. His plan is ALWAYS good, even if it leaves you nervously wringing your hands together because it sure feels like he's running a bit behind schedule to you. I mean, God. . . we have 60 days before we have to be out of this apartment, and STILL have no house. Not worried? We have a baby due in January, have to be out of this apartment in 2 months, which is only 4 months before baby comes, and STILL have no house. Aren't you a little bit worried now? All our our stuff in in storage, and we haven't even started buying stuff for baby, let alone, renovating, painting, unpacking or setting up a new house. Still? Not even a tiny bit worried?
Yet another thing I've learned. He doesn't worry. Ever. He's never stressed out by our circumstances, no matter how daunting or impossible or worrisome they are to us. He is big and all of our big problems are small to him. Not small as in not important. The littlest thing that is a big deal to us, is a big deal to Him because he loves us. And He is a God of the details! But small, as in, He's already taken care of them. He knows the details of our life, and He doesn't miss a thing. Ever. Not one tiny detail. And all I have to do is pay attention to His faithfulness. When trusting is too hard, all I am asked to do is remember his kindness throughout my journey.
I've made it to my 2nd trimester and love having my energy back. I'm feeling more normal so-to-speak than I have in weeks. Life feels a little less scary and new now, and we've even made some friends. Every day I wake up, I ask God to give me His perspective. He is providing for us daily. We have shelter, food, jobs, and friends today, and I can say quite confidently, he will provide for ALL our needs tomorrow. My job is to "not worry about tomorrow" while I rest in his faithfulness today (yes, that's easier said than done).
So here's to embracing change, trusting just a little bit more today than I did yesterday, and paying attention to His faithfulness.
Replace what you don't know about your future
with what you do know about God.
"My child, you can trust the man who died for you. If you cannot trust him,
when whom can you trust?" -Streams in the Desert